How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize