So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
