What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
My ATM looks so different sober.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
