Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
