Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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