my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
