My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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