some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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