I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I need a burrito and a hug.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
