i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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