Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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