She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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