Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
