i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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