walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
