So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
My bed smells like the plague
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
