i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
