His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
