Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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