I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
