one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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