JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
