Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize