hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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