He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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