Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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