you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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