I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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