Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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