Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
