new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
