those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
