I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize