I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
this boner is exhausting
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
