i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
