I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
