I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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