First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
