i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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