I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
