I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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