Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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