I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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