Your face is a jimmy john
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
