he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
