There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
