I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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