dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
