we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
