Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
