apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
