I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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