Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
